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Joke thread to lighten the days
Moral of the story...
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different... .
Two Different Versions....
Two Different Morals
OLD VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2012.
Make sure that you pass this on to other ants. Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24" was the Route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error."But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.""Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
This fellow comes home from a bar and is very drunk. His wife asks him where he was and he replies that he was at a bar that had Gold Carpet, Gold Curtains, Gold Shot Glasses and even a Gold Urinal. His wife told him to go to bed as he was drunk, and that no bar has a Gold Urinal, so he went to bed. She got to wondering where he was that night, so she called the 1st bar and asked bartender if they had Gold Carpet, which he replied "No!" So, she called the 2nd bar and asked if they had a Gold Carpet, and the bartender also said "No, they didn't." As a last resort, she called the last bar and asked the same question. The bartender answered back saying "Yes! We even have Gold Curtains and Gold Shot Glasses." She asked him if they happened to have a Gold Urinal, then she could hear the bartender holler "Hey, Mac! Take the other line, I think we have a lead on that guy who peed in the Saxophone."
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
A gas station owner in TEXAS was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local red neck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The red neck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, the same red neck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The red neck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the red neck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
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Permalink Reply by Stocks To Buy on -
Nice!
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by Danny on -
Kevin w. respect to you. The ant and the grasshopper I enjoyed thoroughly.
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
Thanks and I'm glad yall enjoy the lighter side
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas, leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."There are a few lessons for us all here:Never be arrogant.Don't waste ammunition.Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.Always, always make sure you know who has the powerDon't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
My Wife always wanted a riding lawn mower. She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.
SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please .
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and about her new husbands occupation.
He's a funeral director, she answered.
Interesting, the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing the time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later a preacher when in her 60's, and now, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. "Easy son", she smiled. I married one for the money... two for the show.... three to get ready.... and four to go!
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada 'POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadianscan come into our precious land.'POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;it's virtually impenetrable.'The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,smiles and says,'Fill it with water.'
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Top MemberPermalink Reply by kevin w on -
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Iowa. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Michigan. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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